Home Advice Column Dear David: A Shot at Commitment

Dear David: A Shot at Commitment

I am in a committed relationship, but I cheated on my boyfriend, and I told him about it because I wanted to be open and honest. Here’s the kicker: When I came clean, he admitted to having cheated on me numerous times. We are semi-open, which means we have slept with other people before but always together, but my boyfriend apparently had sex with some of those people on his own. Now that he has gotten this off his chest, he is all happy and relieved, but I can’t help but feel a little cheated. Sure, I cheated on him, but I felt so bad that I thought I had to tell him, while he kept quiet for I don’t know how long. He seems to believe that we are all even and squared now that we kind of cheated on each other, but I don’t quite feel that way. Am I wrong for feeling a little deceived?

Your question says nothing about how long you have been together to be in a ‘committed’ relationship, but it is obvious that there is a disconnect somewhere – and it seems to be in the relationship rules department! Having an open relationship opens up to many exciting opportunities, but the most important thing is to set up some ground rules first. And then enforce them. It seems like you (both) have failed to do that. So before talking about commitment, get settled on what you both want with the relationship – especially if you want to keep it open AND stay together. Now that these feelings of being cheated on have made their way into your relationship, you need to work through them together. Ask hard questions like why it was necessary to go behind each others’ backs? Why did you cheat in the first place? Chip away at those insecurities in yourselves and the relationship and move forward and past the feelings of deceit. Once and if you get past that, you have a real shot at commitment.


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