Get Out!

By Scott King

Weekend getaways for the price of a movie ticket

I want to live in a scary movie. Everybody sitting around, huddled under blankets, waiting for the cops to take their statement or for that Friday night party to begin.

The girl usually gets the guy. He’s cute, he’s sensitive, and he doesn’t die. Unless he’s the killer…

A bunch of sexy 17-year-olds played by a gaggle of still hot 27-year-old actors who are somehow never caught chain-smoking between takes. What could BE more fabulous?

We’ve got Moby or The Ramones or N.W.A. on the soundtrack. We’ve got Michael Myers with his stoic determination. We’ve got Jordan Peele giving us something we haven’t seen before. We’ve got Alfred Hitchcock with his winking subversiveness. What is not to love?

Below are the scary movies where I would most like to take a quick vacation.

Bodega Bay, where the men are handsome, and the women are gay. So much hot lesbian foreplay in those quiet interior scenes. Beautiful ladies smoking cigarettes, exchanging ambiguous eye contact, and talking about the way things are. You can find me hanging out at the diner, sipping coffee, enjoying the view, waiting for the terror to come in.

Did you know that Courtney Love named her production company Tannis Root in homage to this film and the mysteriously delicious pudding that causes Mia Farrow to have all those lucid dreams? It’s true. MF’s due date is June 28. That’s my birthday, bruh! I would be upstairs with Harold and Maude, smoking cigarettes and planning invitation lists for post-apocalyptic Williamsburg orgies.

It really happened!

Oh, Drew! You should be more careful. Popcorn is so easy to burn. I remember seeing this movie in the theater in 1996. At the end I was like oh my god those dudes are gay together! My friends were like why do you want a bunch of serial killers to be gay? I was like, “We are everywhere!”

Honestly, I would not be hanging out with the characters in this movie. I would be at home by myself watching USA’s Up All Night or the Howard Stern Show on the E! Network. Trust me it’s better this way.

So many cuties, so little time. You’re telling me they’re not men but actually robots? Isn’t that statement a bit redundant? We are all pre- programmed by our desires. I was a little upset that this movie didn’t feature a gay best friend. I think I could fill this role nicely, like Woody Harrelson did in Friends With Benefits. I would play basketball with the boys and talk non-stop about my crush on some guy at the gym. But since I was living in a fantasy and still single, I would be free and available to go help with the rescue.

Let’s get em, kween!

Sookie is mine!

I would fit in very well in this world. I have years of experience waiting tables, facial hair, and a lighthearted take on being queer. Lafayette and I would get along well. We would probably even hook up every once in awhile. Yum yum. Jason Stackhouse would appreciate my sense of humor, but he would often leave our conversations looking puzzled. Sam would appreciate my work ethic, and Tara would pick me as the person to ask where Sookie is all the time.

Eric and Pam, however, are the ones to watch. They would spot me and smell me from a mile off as a born sucker, no pun intended. They would try to trick me into being some sort of gopher zombie slave errand boy. Sookie and Bill would save me though, with compassion and grace that would be oh so finely wrought.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.

Hey honey can I help you carry your books? Nah. I don’t need no man. Except for that sheriff. He’s got a cute ass. And gravitas. You can find me on the soft lawn, hanging the laundry and then disappearing into thin air.

Could anything be more beautiful than the nighttime world of this movie? Does anyone not look their best in relaxed pumpkin light? I want to hang out with that kid and his babysitter. That kid is so badass!

Something tells me I’ll be back …

Happy Halloween!

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