Who Still Keeps a Joystick!?

By Kevin Assam

Photo: Artem Kim

Here are the cheat codes you never asked for and the relationship walkthrough you almost certainly need. It’s a bit hard to shoehorn relationship questions into this week’s theme, but I have actually witnessed strangers falling madly in love with livestreamers and gamer personalities. Enjoy!

I’m falling for my YouTube video gamerhe livestreams his walkthroughs and provides gaming commentary. I partake in online hangouts and consider myself to be a top fan. What’s the best way to reach out?
Is it that total babe from Ohio? Live streamers are already wary of dealing with weirdos who push digital boundaries and try to develop unwanted relationships. You definitely do not want to flood his livestreams with a barrage of flirty comments. Fortunately, both YouTube and his porn subscriptions require him to have an active personal email. I would find it through his channel profile or website and send a brief note of adoration and respect. You could even mail a beautiful handwritten letter to his P.O Box. Ask your mother to write it if you flunked penmanship. Just please do not staple condoms to the letter or do any weird things like that. Unless they’re limited edition and sanctioned by EA Games.

I thought I was looking at an image of Spiderman’s mask on a daddy’s t-shirt. Turns out, he was straight, and the image was actually of a woman’s bust in a bikini top. What does this mean?
It means those threats of conversion therapy were doubly empty since you’re super duper gay and unlikely to switch sides. Spiderman’s mask is the optical illusion alternative to the Kinsey Scale.

I spent a few thousand dollars on my elaborate virtual reality pornographic setup. Should I send it back and invest in the real deal instead?
A healthy sex life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you open it and all of a sudden the chocolates start glitching out and you realize they’re holograms and the box itself is just the battery source. But you know what? You keep reaching for those intangible chocolates and for whatever reason they make you feel so good. Apply the analogy here.

I found one of those old school computer joysticks glistening in my partner’s bedside drawer. Should I return his surprise birthday package of higher end adult toys and go shopping for computer parts instead?
Let the old school times roll. Sometimes it’s the cheap gag dildo that gets the job done. Other times it’s the neglected joystick found at a serial killer’s yard sale. Either works.

My boyfriend tagged and thanked his ex-partner in a Happy Siblings Day post. Just, why? 
Incest? Pure unadulterated hatred? Maybe this is the time to get paranoid. All those hours spent watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel while your boyfriend suffered without a tuggy wuggy. If you’re unaware that they’re so close, he thinks of his ex as “family” then what the hell have you been doing? Investigate and keep an eye on your man.

Kevin is a middling writer but top-notch interviewer. His ideas on love and relationships are mostly fueled by his wild imagination. He often orders dessert first!

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