Will Speedos Make My Husband Bait for Otters?

By Kevin Assam

Photo: John Fornander

I’m all about swimsuits right now, which means I went trolling all the cabanas and poolside happy hours for your most outrageous moral and sensual questions on life. As summer continues to look like a particular scorcher down south, now is a good time to consider the consequences of Speedos. Enjoy!

I saw presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg sunbathing with his husband at a trendy club pool. Is it poor etiquette to ask him to sign my chest? 
He should be fine with it even if only out of fear of losing one vote in a battleground state should he snag the party nomination. Ask him to take a photograph with you instead. If he goes on to be more than a longshot, then you’ll have a historical image to replace your profile shot on Grindr. Taps abound.

I want to purchase a Ouija board to communicate with my wife’s ex and ask him how he really died in that strange boating accident. Clever idea?
Island people have a saying that if you don’t like someone, invite them out on your boat. You already know what happened. Better to spend the time finding the least insensitive way to end things with your murderous wife.

Get this. I’m on a date with a guy when suddenly it sounds like we’re being singled out by a flock of sparrows. Turns out it’s the sound of his hip replacements when he walks. What should I say? 
Focus on the bigger picture. Will those replaced hips prevent him from tackling such philosophically questionable bedroom positions as a Double Reverse Cowboy or a Triple Threaded Taiwanese Typhoon? As long he won’t break anything further, just whistle along to the sound of those squeaky hips.

If I’m on a date at a restaurant and I find a hair in my meal, should I send it back or will that make me appear bitchy?
Make sure it is not your hair of course. Then scrutinize the location. Is the hair intertwined in your fettuccini or casually hanging off the plate well away from the food? In the case of the former, be polite and send it back. This has to do more with hygiene and less the feelings of your date. If he or she somehow takes offense at your “fussiness,” reassure him or her that this will not impact your decision on giving oral that night.

Will Speedos makes my husband bait for the bears and otters come summer time pool parties?
Yes, especially if it comes in fifty shades of red. Honestly, certain body types will always be framed better by the tight flashy nature of the speedos or jockey cut swimwear. While other body types are better served by black board shorts with a repeat print featuring tiny peeled bananas.

Caught my partner engaging in self pleasuring while watching various videos of Cersei from Game of Thrones. Why would they choose that specific character?
Cersei is essentially an incestuous murderous sociopath. I would immediately hire a private investigator to look into her interactions with her siblings and why she’s gone butch and latched on to the idea of a new toolshed. Cersei is also a cougar, so you better age up fast if you want any action.

I found a tampon floating in the pool of my overpriced all male resort. How the hell would it have gotten there?
Perhaps Paul from Pensacola was previously Paulina from Pittsburgh? If (s)he retained her original sex organ, then it means (s)he better not be a tart lest (s)he risks a trip to Planned Parenthood. What you should pay attention to is the likelihood that the tampon might be the cleanest thing in the pool at that sausage fest resort.

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