Why do some gay men cheat?

A look at the key causes for why he says he loves you but is sleeping with him. Or all of them. And why you may be doing the same thing back.

By Matthew Holley

Stereotypes abound concerning gay men, but there is one that flies further than most others: Why is it so difficult for gay men to maintain a faithful, monogamous relationship?

This one can all too often be all too true.

Some men may get huffy about that little piece of honesty, but hey, facts are facts. Too many gay brothers have felt the sting of betrayal or actually been the stinger. We’re men, and that can mean we’re animalistic creatures with a formidable sex drive.

Consider the way of life that so typical of so many. There are thousands, even millions of gay men out there, all with a randy libido. Some may control it better than others, yet is it really that surprising, pardon the pun, that the body count of gay relationships is high?

So many of us can remove emotion from sex all for sheer physical pleasure, even if we’re also simultaneously head over heels, madly in love with our partner or boyfriend. These guys may be hard-pressed to resist the willing stud who just walked by and gave them the nod.

With today’s technology, these simple encounters are right at a gay man’s fingertips. All the apps like Grindr, Scruff, Jack’d and Tinder ease the process of sexual rendezvous. You can have a warm masculine body on top of you in minutes if he lives close by. Easy anonymous access isn’t very conducive to your otherwise healthy relationship.

Physicality isn’t the only reason your man may be stepping out. According to psychologist Dr. Weston Edwards, an expert on infidelity, men may cheat for the following reasons:

Goal oriented. Men are fixers, conquerors of the unattainable. “Sexual behavior can often times be a means to an end. This might be around survival sex; ‘I need a place to live,’ for example. It can include the “badge of honor” when a person can brag, ‘I had sex with that hot guy.’” It can also be about getting revenge or use of money and/or drugs.

Emotional validity. Sex is designed to bring partners closer, solidifying love and commitment. Dr. Weston says, “In our society, monogamy emphasizes this reason for having sex. So then, the lack of a satisfying emotional relationship may lead to sexual contact outside the primary relationship. To be fair, in some cases, having an emotional connection isn’t limited to monogamous sexual relationships, and you will find plenty of men in so-called open relationships who do have emotional connection and satisfaction.”

Insecurity. Confidence and self-esteem is undeniably important to any man, and perhaps especially a gay one. We all know how judgmental we queens are, and if you catch your guy cheating these may be the excuses he throws out: “I feel so insecure, I needed to feel wanted.” “This hot guy was chasing me.” “I couldn’t say no.”

Every scenario is different, of course. These are just some of the common factors that plague most cheating relationships. When the right motivation presents itself, he or you may pull the trigger and act on the “what if” feelings you have been harboring.

So breaking it all down, instead of asking why we gay men cheat, maybe we can look internally and see if the real question is, Why do you cheat?

NEXT WEEK: Why some gay men stay with men who cheat.

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