By Cator Sparks, Life Coach
Hey Coach,
Most of the gay men in my life are folks I have had sex with. I would love to meet other gay men in a non-sexual way and build a friendship that isn’t based on sex. I feel like sex is more important than building community to many gay men. Am I the only one? Thanks!
Ooof. How long do we have to dissect this topic? First of all, you are not alone. I have many clients who feel the same way. Hell, I just hosted a GBTQ retreat in April with 17 men, who signed up because they knew that my retreats aren’t based around sex, nudity, or drugs/alcohol. These 17 men came together for four days of bonding, hiking, opening up, and growing together. They all expressed a shared frustration that finding quality, authentic friends in the gay community can be difficult.
At the same time, many of us like to think of ourselves as sexually liberated! How often have we had sex with a dude and then become friends (aka ‘The Gay Handshake’)? This also brings up the point that gay men mostly meet each other in gay bars, clubs, and on apps- places that are sexually charged. So it makes sense that sex may come first. But for many of us, a one-night stand isn’t what we are looking for – a partner or a friendship is what we are truly craving.
Here are a few tips on finding friendship over f*ck buddies:
- Update your profile on the apps stating that you’re looking for friendship as well as fun. I’ve met some amazing new friends in Atlanta on the apps.
- Find non-sexual spaces to meet gay friends. You could volunteer for an LGBTQ charity, find a book club, hiking group, or queer event (like a comedy night) where the sexual energy isn’t as charged.
- Ok, so y’all slept together. If you enjoy the vibe, ask if they would be interested in another non-sexual meet-up, such as lunch, checking out an art gallery, or a drag show.
- Most importantly, lean into being more vulnerable! If we are always on the surface with people, we don’t give them the chance to get to know us. When he asks how you are, really share what’s going on in your life- work sucks, your parents are annoying you, your partner hurt your feelings. Once you open up, this lets them know that you are offering a safe space for them to go deeper as well. And that is how a quality, enduring friendship can be born.
Do you have more questions about mental health? Send them to cator@davidatlanta.com and check back each week to see if your question was selected. We promise never to publish the name of the person who asked the question. Anything you share will be confidential, of course.
Peace and Love Y’all!
