WOODY MILLER
| 9.3.2008
My boyfriend and I have been an official couple for just over a month now. Even though we met via cruising online, we took things slow and waited a long time to have sex. He was worth it.
Last night, after some unrelated drama, I was down on myself, looking for a friend to comfort me, and naively took the invitation of an ex-boyfriend to come over as nothing more than an invitation to watch a movie.
Bottom line: I cheated on my boyfriend. It's the first time I've ever done anything like that, and it so wasn't worth it. Now I feel like I've rendered myself unable to forge a real emotional connection with my boyfriend.
I'm worried that unless I tell him, every time I look at him, I'll just feel guilt instead of love. Do I confess and risk him leaving me? Or do I keep it a secret and take the chance that my guilt will never go away?
— BIG MISTAKE
You’re a selfish prick. You didn’t think about his feelings when you tricked, and now you’re not thinking about his feelings when you’re in pain. I see nothing but you in the equation, without any consideration of him.
Face it, you don’t want to tell him because you want to be honest or fair to him, or put the relationship back on track. You want to confess because you want the guilt to stop. You want to be forgiven for what you’ve done.
And the worst part is the way you want to do it — by having him stop the pain you created.
Well, you know what? Telling him about a single mistake you don’t intend to repeat is the equivalent of taking a dump in his living room and walking away. It’s your shit — why should he clean it up?
You got yourself into this; you get yourself out. Deal with the guilt the way you’d deal with any emotional challenge — learn from it, change your behavior and forgive yourself for being human.
A number of my African-American and Latino friends complain that when they engage in No Strings Attached hookups with white men, they are made to feel bad if they do not have sex with the person.
Usually, this results from the fact that the white man either drove all the way to the person’s home and now wants to be sexually satisfied — even if he wasn't totally truthful about his looks or build.
Unfortunately, when the individual is told that there is no chemistry for sex, he usually responds to the person of color about the cost of gas, the time spent traveling or something derogatory.
Am I being overly sensitive, or is there a "white privilege" code towards men of color?
— WONDERING WHITE GUY
You’re joking, right? You think they’re trying to guilt guys into sex because of skin color? Dude, they’re not racist; they’re dickist!
Listen, a horny jerk is a horny jerk whether he’s trying to jerk off on white, black or brown. Do you know how many emails I get from white guys bitching about the same thing between each other? I’ll tell you what I tell all whiners: Quit complaining.
The problem isn’t your race; it’s your venue. Meet somewhere neutral. Nobody throws guilt trips at a Starbucks.
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