WOODY MILLER | 7.23.2008
I'm 19 and have been in a long-term relationship for almost a year. I love my partner to bits. He's 24, sweet, funny, and a great guy all round.
He takes care of me physically and emotionally, gives me money for gas and such. No, he's not a sugar daddy; he's just more financially stable than I.
The problem is, I want to experiment with other guys and he doesn’t. We talked a while ago about having a threesome, and he said he would be up for it, but every time I bring it up, he just shrugs it off.
He works a 9-5 job, and I work nightshifts behind the bar in a club. I flirt with a lot of great looking guys at my job. They'll touch my face and BAM! I'm hard as a rock, but when my partner touches me, it's nowhere near the same effect.
Lately, sex is becoming more of a task than a pleasure. Sometimes, I just lay there and let him do the work because I'm so bored. We've tried as many kinky things as we're comfortable with — and trust me that's a lot — but it's still the same for me.
I haven't talked to him because I know he’d be upset. Being young, I want to pursue my sexual appetite and experiment with other guys, but I don't want to lose the one guy I've truly ever loved. What should I do?
— In love but bored
So, what are you saying—“My marriage is spinning out of control, but I don’t want to bring it up because he’ll get upset?”
By that reasoning, you shouldn’t tell him his dog’s dying. He might worry.
Silence is to relationships what fog is to highways — the best way to cause a ten-car pile-up. You have to talk to him, no matter how upset he gets.
But first, let’s talk about why improving your sex life didn’t work: You did it for the wrong reason.
Trying to spice up your sex life so that you can be more faithful is like polishing your old car to keep yourself away from the new ones. You can’t truly appreciate the car you’re polishing because you’re too busy thinking about stuffing the muffler on the latest model.
If you want to try the right way to spice up your sex life, buy Patricia Love’s "Hot Monogamy." It’s the Bible for couples serious about improving their sex lives.
But I can tell that’s not what you want. Your pants are halfway to the floor, and it ain’t your bedroom they’re about to land in.
So how do you approach him and minimize a bad reaction? By being loving and respectful. Look at him in the eyes, touch him a lot and sit side-by-side, not facing each other (It’s a sign of cooperation vs. confrontation).
Know that whatever you decide is not nearly as important as how you decide.
I’m not going to get into all your options. First, because you have to decide for yourself. Second, because I’m as bored with you as you are with him.
My only advice is to set a “limited trial” to whatever you negotiate. A temporary change is much easier to agree to than a permanent one. Think of it as a new “lease” on your relationship with an option to renew.
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