WOODY MILLER | 3.26.2008
I’m friends with a couple — let's call them Rick
and Eric. We drink, shop, hang out together, talk
about boys, all that stuff. Recently, they've been
arguing and fighting a lot.
Rick, while intoxicated, approached me in a
hallway one night, ran his finger down my cheek...to
my chest...to my stomach...and then finally to the
Promised Land. He stared into my eyes and gave me
that "I want to f*ck you" smile. Then he licked his
bottom lip...and walked away.
I haven’t been out that long. Is this normal for gay
friends? Am I supposed to flirt back? Eric and I are
friends from high school so we've known each other
for a long time. He’s leaving for a three-week
business trip, and his boyfriend Rick calls me once or
twice a day and leaves me messages saying he
"can't wait" to hang out with me while Eric is gone.
What do you think? Should I get wasted some
night this week and do the No-Pants Dance with
him? Or should I just respect the boundaries of our
friendship and their relationship?
— DON’T GET IT
Basically, you’re requesting permission to betray
your closest friend. REQUEST DENIED.
But here’s a request I’ll say yes to: I’ll go to the
nearest hardware store and get your moral compass
checked. It’s obviously broken. Like your dick, it’s
stuck on “North” no matter where you point it.
When it comes to guys, I’d rather go oral than
moral — but I’m going to make an exception for
you. There are certain philosophies you should live by.
“If I can’t have a happy home, wreck one” is not one
of them. You know what is? “Don’t do to others
what you wouldn’t want done to you.”
So, whenever your dick picks a fight with your
ethics put yourself in the shoes of the other person
before plowing ahead. How would you like it if a
close friend fucked your boyfriend? Your answer
should guide your decision.
The most honorable thing you can do is tell “Eric”
that even though he makes you harder than Chinese
algebra, you’re not going to let him bend you over
the rail and pound the dust off your rug because you
value Rick’s friendship too much to do it. And then
stay the hell away from him.
Although I love getting head, I dread it when my
new boyfriend does it because he uses too much
teeth. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but is there a
tactful way to tell him he sucks at sucking?
— BITTEN BY LOVE
There is no good way to tell somebody they’re
rubbish in bed. That’s why you shouldn’t do it. No
matter how many compliments you give him on
everything else he does right, the only thing he’ll
remember (and never forgive you for) is what you
said he’s bad at.
So it’s always best to tell your partner what you
want more of, not what you want less of. Say
something like, “I really like it when all I feel is the
warmth and softness of your lips and mouth. Can I
show you?”
Then go down on him and do it exactly the way
you want him to do it. Be sure to ask him if there’s
anything he’d like more of and to show you how he
wants it. That way it won’t feel so much like a
“lesson” as it will a mutual exchange of pleasure.
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